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May 23 2018

02:35

wombatking:

newtgeiszler:

jesterofthetraveler:

I agree john mulaney is probably an immortal akin to beings such as keanu reeves and jeff goldblum but he’s like a new born baby immortal who is looking at the long long expanse of a lifetime he has in front of him and is already tired

jeff golblum is thousands of years old and loving it. john mulaney was born in 1901 and ever since 1924 it’s gone downhill for him

So to be clear, the immortal timeline seems to be:

John Mulaney - early 20th century

Eric Andre - Probably 17th century or so.

Taika Waititi - Elizabethan age, probably hung out with Shakespeare

Keanu Reeves - We think sometime around Alexander the Great, but he seems to have just sprung up fully formed.

Jeff Goldblum - 100% Biblical times, may or may not be King Solomon.

Tommy Wiseau - Indeterminate, may be the first Homo Sapiens.

02:07

a-redharlequin:

curvyrainbowboi:

a-redharlequin:

kleptoandpyro:

secondstarthenstraightuntilmorn:

sirhate:

lily-peet:

Bad idea for a Romantic Comedy
The Chief of Police is married to a Mob Boss, and they have to keep “just failing” to catch each other. When one of them hits the other in a shootout, it’s followed with “Oh I’m never going to hear the end of this…”

“So how was your day at work?”
“YOU FUCKING SHOT ME! THAT WAS MY DAY AT WORK!”

We clearly have different definitions of bad.

@kleptoandpyro @hiverforesteevee @stillnotginger10 coldflash anyone?

@secondstarthenstraightuntilmorn @hiverforesteevee @stillnotginger10

I LOVE IT X’D

Barry: THREE TIMES!

Len: Listen, the first time doesn’t count, we weren’t together yet, and you were my villain.

Barry: I’m the hero, you’re the villain! YOU SHOOT PEOPLE!

Len: -handwaves- Semantics. The second time I did it to protect you.

Barry: You were the one in trouble! Your dad–

Len: Is unimportant but did attempt to use you against me after the whole “Lenny” mistake. -eyebrow raise-

Barry: -huffing, arms crossed- And the third time?!?!

Len: -shrugs- I like shooting you. It makes you adorable.

Barry: -glaring like the third pic above-

Len: yes, that face! :D

00:14

eli0tknight:

All our generation wants is a small apartment and a spouse that loves them back.

May 22 2018

23:46

spector:

cable: *staring at deadpool and gripping a knife* look at him. he’s such a fucking dumbass. he never shuts up. i can’t believe i have to fuck him

domino: you don’t have to fuck him

cable: no i’m going to

23:18

Since my sister has publicly come out as Ace, let me tell you the best joke she made:

gallusrostromegalus:

gallusrostromegalus:

So, last November, I was driving to Denver with my sister, when she told me she identified as Asexual and felt that I should know.  I think she was expecting me to ask a bunch of weird questions because she literally pulled out notes, but I got to be “Nah, it’s all good and I’m glad you feel safe enough to some out.” and since there wasn’t much more to say, we went back to swearing at the shitty drivers on I-25.

Two exits later, it occurred to me that I hadn’t actually seen my sister for a year prior and might have forgotten to come out to her when I was doing it last March.  “Just to be clear- you know I’m Bi, right?”

“OH MY GOD.” she howls, making me almost plow into a pickup in surprise.  “YOU’RE EITHER AND I’M NEITHER.”  

I had to pull over I started laughing to hard.

***

I bring this up because 1. She just publicly came out and 2. SHE MADE US MATCHING SHIRTS FOR THE NEXT PRIDE.  I LOVE IT.

Quick reboggle because Update:  

  • Sister has found herself an Ace Girlfriend and we’re all thrilled for her.
  • In the interest on Gender Inclusiveness we’ve decided to to change the banner to “All Or Nothing”
  • Mom went to FoCo pride this year with Bi/Pan/Ace/Queer swag and pamphlets and she had crying teenagers hug her because they were so fucking happy to have someone in their corner.  So we’re doing it again next year, but with like, 500% more stuff because it ran out FAST.
  • Been shaking a lot of TERFs and pro-Aphobia blogs out of my followers this week and This is your Decidedly Unfriendly Reminder that if you see fit to harass anyone about their sexuality or gender you can meet me in the fucking pit.
22:49

starsinursa:

me, as a kid: i can’t wait til i’m an adult so i can stay up late EVERY NIGHT

me, as an adult, crawling into bed at 6:30 pm: oh thank god

22:21

jxhn-mulaney:

rinlockhart:

blautitlewave:

buckakke:

john mulaney talking about how much he loves his wife and roasting other male comedians that just talk shit on their wives is why The Gays like him so much because he’s what Straight Culture should be

Talking shit about your spouse is a sign of affection.

No. No it’s not. What kind of dystopian world do you live in?

straight culture should be commissioning Renaissance styled biblical paintings of your french bulldog not talking about how marriage is a prison

21:53

cookie-sheet-toboggan:

why i stan ryan reynolds’s deadpool

negasonic teenaged warhead (comics): a white goth without a love interest

ryan reynolds: she’s a biracial goth with a lovely japanese girlfriend

russell collins (comics): a buff blond blue-eyed american

ryan reynolds: he’s a chubby polynesian māori kid from new zealand

domino (comics): She’s white with a black tattoo around her eye

ryan reynolds: she’s black with a vitiligo patch around her eye

vanessa carlysle (comics): unknown ethnicity

ryan reynolds: we’ll make her brazilian

blind al (comics): white

ryan reynolds: black

deadpool (comics): a pansexual canadian

ryan reynolds: i sure am!! …i mean, he sure is!

21:25

I wish the person who I reblogged this from happiness, good eyebrows, and clear skin.

castastic-trench-coat:

SOMEONE REBLOG THIS FROM ME PLEASE

20:56
5980 19d9 500

incomparablyme:

Everyone deserves a great love story.

Love, Simon (2018)
dir. Greg Berlanti

04:28

meatball-slut:

whimsicalmermaidnymph:

We need the help

Hi everyone my name is Shadae. My Dad passed on 5/13/18 very unexpectedly and we need the money to give him a homegoing. More importantly we need it so we’re able to actually bring his ashes home with us.

I know most people need info so here goes: In 2015 my Dad was involved in an accident that left him in a coma the doctors assumed he would not make it out of. We decided to hold on. In 2016 my Dad woke up and it was one of the happiest moments of my life. But of course things weren’t perfect. He was paralyzed completely on one side, atrophy on his left arm, and had a bit of short term memory loss. That didn’t matter to us, my dad was back. He became more like himself with every visit from my siblings and every minute he heard my voice and all the love from my stepmother. Things were turning around completely. So when we got the call last Sunday it shocked us all. My brother had a breakdown as well as my sister. And I’m distraught as well. It’s a horrible feeling to be in the world without your father. And I just want to be able to send him off and bring him home in a decent way and so my siblings aren’t always asking or struggling with the thought that my Dad’s ashes will just sit there and be lonely.

Before his accident my dad was a complete goof ball!! All he did was make everyone laugh and give unconditional love, even when he hadn’t learned to give it properly. My dad was a friend to everyone he encountered not just some. He loved his children. He loved us so in fact that the only pictures we really have of him are with all 3 of us lol He rarely took a decent selfie, but always took pics of us. Being his oldest I watched my Dad grow into his role of fatherhood and he was excelling at it. And I miss him terribly.

All we’re asking for is 2,296. That’s it nothing more than that is needed right now.

Here is the link to his GoFundMe

TEAM ANDRIEL


And here’s my cashapp, we’re accepting donations there as well:

TEAM ANDRIEL

@fullten

03:31
8382 3ee0 500
03:03
8406 ca42 500

sirfrogsworth:

I know that there is no way a cat can comprehend what an ultrasound is. I realize there is no way to communicate that she is with child. 

And yet…

SHE KNOWS.

[ reddit ]

02:35
8422 bbba 500

thyrell:

xxxtictacion:

Hey uh op…. where’s your url…

there’s no url because god sent this post down to us

02:07

booksfrommyshelf:

I am haunted by all the editions of books that are prettier than the ones I already own.

01:39

altonzm:

yungmethuselah:

There’s no reason you can’t eat pie at every meal. They make fruit pies, vegetable pies, meat pies, meat substitute pies, I mean pies easily cover 100% of your necessary nutrient groups. They even make cake pies. The only reason not to switch over to pie entirely is pie sucks.

you were so close to a revolutionary thesis and then you betrayed me and every citizen of good standing

01:10
00:42

catsuggest:

itsstuckyinmyhead:

How Do I Explain To My Cat That Stepping On My Boobs Hurts 

feel ok to me ? feet do not hurt

00:14

thememacat:

terfzilla:

“In my personal experience, women raise their voices because they feel like they aren’t being listened to. Men raise their voices because they feel like they aren’t being obeyed”

I want this tattooed on my face

Hitting that reblog button hard and fast

May 21 2018

23:46

pardonmewhileipanic:

fatfeministkillljoy:

blue–green:

kimibellini:

blue–green:

plain-flavoured-english:

plain-flavoured-english:

plain-flavoured-english:

plain-flavoured-english:

plain-flavoured-english:

plain-flavoured-english:

plain-flavoured-english:

plain-flavoured-english:

plain-flavoured-english:

The guy next to me in a coffee shop is telling his date ‘You know you girls are all liars. Well, not all, but I’d say 80%. More than half.’

‘Girls think they have power over men by using sex as a bargaining chip and they don’t.‘

Now he’s telling her about a ‘psycho’ date he had who started telling him how ‘patronizing’ he was OUT OF NOWHERE

He’s a musician but he says he couldn’t date any of the ‘sheep’ who come to his gigs.

He’s been talking about himself literally nonstop since I sat down fifteen minutes ago. The scariest thing is the girl is listening actively, leaning forward, and smiling and giggling while I’m mentally screaming ‘Run, girl, run!’

Now he’s talking about gig he did for the troops in Afghanistan and how dangerous it was. ‘I could have been shot by a sniper at any second. But I was making people human. I was keeping them from going crazy. I was playing bass and crowd-surfing on my back. We were treated like ACDC. I had a prejudice about the military but you see the armed forces for what they are. They’re good people.’

He’s finally stopped telling her about the military and has gone back to covering every detail of his career. I still know absolutely nothing about his date.

Now he’s complaining about how bad the dancers were at one of his gigs (‘pathetic, ridiculous’).

Now he’s giving her a detailed history lesson on Greco-Turkish military conflict. I swear I’m not making any of this up.

Summary of the rest of the date:

Guy’s talking continues, relentless. Girl’s responses slowly growing more and more lackluster (unnoticed). Finally Guy gets up to use the bathroom. I casually say to Girl, ‘First date?’ A few seconds later, we’re recapping every obnoxious moment, literally holding onto each other, doubled over and gasping with laughter. ‘He hasn’t stopped talking since I sat down!’ ‘Oh my god, I’m so tired!’ ‘I mean, it’s your choice, but I wouldn’t go on a second date with that guy.’ More peals of laughter. ‘Oh my god, I’m so tired!’ ‘Not that I wanted to eavesdrop, but when he said all women were liars…’ ‘I know, right? I couldn’t believe it! I didn’t want to offend him, but…’ And so on. Finally: ‘Shh, here he comes.’

We straighten up and I pretend to be working on my laptop. Guy comes back to the table and they leave together. She waves at me behind his back.

no way could i have gotten through that date

OMG

You know, I actually think that dude may have a point about 80% of girls he’s known being liars. Haven’t we all been that girl at some point, fake-smiling and faking interest in some self-obsessed douchenozzle going on about his Important Manly Self?

Being scared to tell him HONESTLY how disgusting and awful he is, since he could flip out and kill us for rejecting his ass or stalk us or any number of things many men do.

Yep. Girls do lie. For survival. Because men like him exist.

^

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

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